


Take The White Noise Away...

by Spoon_Killer97



Series: We Are Alike... [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Caring Magnus Bane, Crying, Distracted Alec, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Insecurity, M/M, Numbness, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-05 02:04:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18356351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spoon_Killer97/pseuds/Spoon_Killer97
Summary: Alec's week had been so bad his body just shut down his feelings. But feeling like a numb corpse isn't good either, especially when he pushes everyone way.Magnus is obviously going to notice and Alec will realize that he needs his boyfriend like air.





	Take The White Noise Away...

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, guys. Well, here we have another fic on this series. I know it's been a while, but I just had a severe emotional crisis last year that left me in a dangerous position and made me take a 180º turn to my life. With that change I improved a lot, so my feelings were stable, and I didn't feel the need of helping myself with this fics. But lately my life has been getting messy again and it's not even my fault; the situation between my parents is awful and my father messed with our relationship for good.
> 
> Also I'm not being as successful as I wish I am with the new path I decided for my life and though not everything has been bad, (in fact I got accepted to a camp in the USA and I'm going to meet New York which is one of my dreams) but just like Alec, I feel like the bad things are having a bigger impact right now. So, this week I decided to pour myself into Alec and have a little time for my own thoughts, since I’m incredibly busy now. I realized I wasn't doing okay when a couple of days ago I was so distracted I forgot like five important things I had to do during the day; I wasn't functioning properly, and I had a huge amount of anxiety in the form of hunger for candy and junk food. So, here I'm I trying to feel better, I hope this helps someone also. Enjoy, I guess.
> 
> On other news, I haven't watched last week and this week's episodes and I'm not ready for the angst!
> 
> WARNING: MENTIONS OF ANXIETY ATTRACKS.

Alec looked at himself in the mirror, his eyes were glassy and he had bags under them for the bad sleeping. He felt drained, his week had been so awful he stopped feeling stressed or hurt a couple of days ago.

He felt a weird numbness where his feelings were supposed to be, but that didn't make him feel better. He’d rather take the anger, and sadness away with any method instead of feeling like a corpse. But he guessed his body was just saturated and decided to leave him with this hopeless emptiness.

Lately things hadn't been going okay with him. Demon attacks, conflicts with rebel Downworlders, angry Shadowhunters and even fights with his parents. Alec was tired and each conflict had been draining his energy little by little.

Not everything was dark and bad, he had received a recognition from The Clave because of his great work as head of The Institute and also, despite de rouge attacks, the relationships with the Downworld had been doing fine. But despite that, he felt like the bad things weighed more.

Not that they were more important, that was not it; it just seemed like the bad things had a bigger impact on his emotions. 

Alec sighed in defeat, he should be thinking about positive things, but he didn't seem capable of it. He felt worthless because he felt like his work at The Institute wasn't being fruitful; but he also felt angry at the people for attacking him, angry at his father for taking it out on him because of the conflicts with The Clave and his mother, angry at his fellow Shadowhunters for blaming him for every bad thing that happened in the Shadoworld; and finally he felt sad. Sad because he had been snapping at people that weren't guilty for his shitty emotional state, he felt sad because of the fights with his mother over stupid things, he felt sad for pushing his siblings away because he thought he was being weak and rather not tell them what was going on with him.

He felt all of that until his body decided he was to overwhelmed and activated his defenses. Before this last weeks, his life had been such a big ball of happiness, he didn't knew what to do with himself. Everything was fine and amazing in every aspect of his life, and thanks to that, his emotions got conflicted easily. It was easier for his body to just shut the whole thing down and Alec was scared of that reaction, because he felt that if he bottled everything inside, he eventually will drown.

What worried him the most wasn’t just the numbness inside of him, but also the fact that he felt like everything triggered him; he had been close to having anxiety attacks more times this last weeks than his entire life. Every time conflict striked again, he felt a lump in his throat, his palms sweating and his breathing becoming a little raged. Maybe it was also because of that that his body had shut down; Alec was completely distracted all the time and he just wanted to go as far as he could and hide under a rock where no one could find him.

He ran a hand through his hair before there was a knock on his room's door.

"What?" He snapped at whoever was there. When he turned around he saw the blond man flinching visibly at his tone but his stoic expression remained.

"Sorry to interrupt," Underhill said with his direct tone but an honest apologetic look, like it was his fault that Alec was a mess. The black haired man felt guilt clawing at his belly.

"No, it's fine," Alec answered with a sigh and a softer tone. "What do you need?"

"The Downworlder representatives are already here, they are wondering when the meeting will start."

Alec's eyes became wide with surprise. Shit, he had forgot the meeting. Underhill saw his reaction and with a sympathetic look he spoke again.

"I can tell them that you're not feeling well and postpone it," he suggested.

"No," Alec quickly recovered. He got to get his shit together for The Angel's sake. "Take them to the meeting room, I'll be there in a minute."

Underhill gave him a worried look and hesitated; but when he saw that his leader was serious, he turned around to carry the order.

Alec sighed again and went to his office for the papers of the meeting; thank the Angel he had prepared them before his feelings had gone to shit.

He walked to the meeting room. His siblings and Underhill were there; along with Simon, representing the vampires of the whole city; Maia and Luke as Alphas of the pack; Meliorn in representative of the Seelie court and Magnus for the warlocks.

When his eyes settled of his boyfriend he felt guilty again, along with a tight knot over his stomach. He had been pushing Magnus away too in the last few days, not going to the loft and barely talking to him.

The warlock gave him an intense studying look that made Alec look away as he took his place at the top of the meeting table.

“Seems like the Head of the Institute doesn’t have even a little respect for our time,” Meliorn pointed out making Jace grunt and Alec flinch. But before he could apologize or said anything, Underhill huffed.

“Shouldn’t he be the one saying that?” he said looking straight into Meliorn’s eyes. “He was here ten minutes before the meeting started, and none of you were here. Alec is a busy man so he went to do something useful while waiting.”

Alec had to do a great effort to stop the surprised expression that threaten to appear on his face. The rest of the Downwolders looked at Underhill with an unbelieving face but the blond man didn’t even budge. Magnus also looked at the handsome hunter with an arched eyebrow and an accusing look towards Alec.

The Head of the Institute ignored his boyfriend again, feeling the knot tightening at the idea of making Magnus jealous and to keep walking his path of failures of the week. He instead looked at his blond subordinate and sent him a thankful gaze; Underhill responded with a very soft nod that only Alec noticed.

Underhill was one of the strongest Shadowhunters of The Institute. His determined attitude and deep stare earned the respect of everyone. He didn’t take shit for granted, and he had no problem at putting people in their places and expressing his opinion, and that included Alec, Head of the Institute or not. But he also held an admiring nature for his leader, along with the fact that they shared their sexuality, which made him incredibly loyal. Underhill was his friend and right hand after his two siblings.

“We’re not here to fight,” Alec finally said clearing his throat, he felt the numbness making his brain a little unfocused, he was glad his autopilot was amazing. “Sorry for the delay. Let’s start.

The meeting went smooth, a couple of discussions over differing opinions, but everything went well. When it was over, Izzy told Simon to wait for her outside. The rest of the people got out too, while his sister approached him.

“Alec, are you okay?” She asked carefully. He waited for the sadness of the guilt for pushing his siblings away, he waited for it to attack him, so he could finally talk about what was going on with him, but nothing came. The numbness manifesting with strength like white noise inside his body.

"I'm fine, Izzy," he said a little harsher than he should. His sister gave him a sad but sympathetic look, she didn't looked hurt at all by Alec's tone. Jace probably had felt a little of what he's been going through and alerted their sister, so she wouldn't felt bad when Alec behaved like a jerk when all she was trying to do was help.

Before any of them could say another word, someone interrupted them.

"Mr. Lightwood," the cold tone that accompanied Magnus's cold expression as he stood by the door, resounded inside. "May I talk to you for a moment, please...? In private."

That gaze. That gaze made him feel nauseous. The numbness waking up a little to bring back the beginning of the anxiety. He looked away.

"I'm busy," he said in a tone that didn't convinced anyone.

"You should talk to him," his sister said gently while she looked at him. Before Alec could argue, there was another voice.

"I'm sure you're not _that_ busy," Underhill said beside the warlock, looking intently at Alec. The warlock didn't even bat an eye at Alec's subordinate, he kept his deep, cold gaze on Alec. "Miss. Lightwood, Jace and I can take care of this place while you talk to him, boss."

_Boss._ Before, when defending him, his friend had called him by his name, a thing he rarely did, but it was grounding for Alec and it helped a lot. Now, he was calling him like he always did. That name was a sign of respect towards Magnus, and his words were an advice for Alec. He took a deep breath as his eyes settled back on his boyfriend's.

"Ye- yeah," he finally said. "Let's go to my office."

They walked in a tense silence towards the Hunter’s office. Alec could feel Magnus’ gaze on him, but he ignored it. His numbness made him feel out of himself again, making him trip over a stair and when they got to his office, he dropped the keys while fumbling with them. His warlock snapped his fingers and the keys were back at his hand as the door opened.

“Thank you,” was all the Hunter could murmur before they both got inside. Alec didn’t sat down, he just leaned against his desk; if he seated he knew Magnus’s gaze will break him and the attack would come in full force.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on, or I’ll have to ask handsome-irritating hunter for the information?” Magnus said after some moments of silence. Alec felt the knot on his stomach press harder; a lump in his throat and the numbness softly waking as he started feeling the first touches of anxiety.

“There’s…” he started unsure, before his boyfriend raised a hand and stopped him.

“Don’t give me that 'there's nothing going on' crap, Alexander. _I_ was here ten minutes before the meeting and you were not around, in fact, none of your subordinates knew where you were. So, Underhill was clearly covering up for you.”

“He…” Alec closed his eyes as the words failed him. He was tired, unfocused, dizzy, he hasn’t sleep well for weeks and his anxiety was causing him to eat amounts of unhealthy food to compensate for his bad feelings, so he felt a little sick too. He let his irrational mind take control and said the first thing that came.

“I thought you weren’t jealous of him,” his voice was shaking as Magnus’s cold glare settled back on him.

“I’m not jealous, Alec,” he said, and the seriousness of his voice made Alec believe him. “I’m sad, and angry because you haven’t contacted me in days, you haven’t stepped a foot inside my loft... and I first thought I did something wrong. But imagine my surprise when I talked to your siblings today and they told me there was something going on with you and that you were pushing them away too, I felt partially relieved that I wasn’t the problem but then, why would you shut me out? And guess how betrayed I felt when you decided to look for support with Underhill rather than me or your own family.”

“I didn’t!” Alec immediately clarify feeling the lump in his throat so hard it was difficult to speak. “Underhill doesn’t know, he’s just seen I’m not okay and- and he’s trying to help me.”

“Then why don’t you talk to me?” the warlock asked in a softer tone as he got closer.

Alec closed his eyes again. _He was unworthy, unworthy of the recognition, unworthy of the man in front of him; he failed, he couldn’t do his work right; he was a mess, and everything was his fault._

At those dangerous thoughts the numbness snapped.

He opened his eyes with a sob. Tears started running down them hard as he looked at a very shocked Magnus.

“Alexander!” The warlock exclaimed in Surprise and in a second, he was in front of him. Pulling his body into a tight embrace.

“I’m sorry,” Alec chocked out as he wrapped his arms below Magnus’s arms and around his body, burying his face between his shoulder and neck.

“No, darling,” Magnus said with his soft reassuring voice as he pulled his boyfriend as close as possible with one arm, and started stroking the hairs at the nape of his neck, with the other. “I am sorry, this wasn’t meant to make you cry.”

The Hunter didn’t respond and just pulled his boyfriend as close as he could and cried. It was not Magnus’s fault, he didn’t deserve this man, he didn’t deserve anything.

Alec’s tears went on for what felt like hours but could have been minutes. He needed exactly this: being in Magnus’s arms as the warlock kept his pieces together. The arm on his back pressing firmly while the fingers on his hair soothed him, and the warlock whispering words of encouragement to his ear.

How could he go without this man for so long was beyond his understanding. Magnus was his rock, his ground and he felt like shit for pushing him away.

Eventually his cries subsided and were replaced by soft sniffles as his boyfriend told him it was going to be okay.

“Darling,” Magnus said so soft, his voice caressed Alec’s skin. Then he kissed the side of his head without pulling away. “I didn’t want you to cry. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not you,” Alec choked out. “I- I just… Guess... Everything just snapped.”

Magnus kissed his head again before pulling to look at him in the eyes. There was so much worry and reassurance that Alec felt breathless while he also felt like he could finally breath.

“I’m so sorry for reacting the way I did, Alexander,” he said gently. “I didn’t knew things were that bad.”

“Is- is not your fault. I pushed you away and I can’t imagine what you felt when you thought you did something wrong or that I trusted Underhill more than you.” 

“Enough apologies, we both did something we shouldn’t,” the warlock stroked his hair with both hands before leaning in and pressing a kiss to his forehead.

Alec sighed shakily, he loved those kisses, he felt so protected and loved with them. The knot in his throat finally let go and he felt he could breath.

“Let me take you home,” Magnus said against his skin, knowing physical contact was what his lover needed. “We don’t have to talk about it but let me take care of you… Please.”

Alec nodded as another tear ran down his eye. Before he frowned.

“I have to tell the guys I’ll be gone, and I don’t think I can handle a portal.”

Magnus pulled him to a hug again before he snapped his fingers.

“There,” he said softly. “I sent the message to your siblings and Handsome-blond. As for the portal… Hold on to me, darling. I’ll always take care of you.”

Alec sighed and did exactly that, feeling his body giving to Magnus’s embrace and power. The warlock transported them to the bedroom directly, still hugging his lover.

“I’m going to dress you,” he said softly and Alec nodded again. Feeling more dizzy from the portal than usual.

The warlock pulled away from him and gently started undressing him. Alec closed his eyes at the comfort he felt by the gesture, Magnus didn't stop touching him, caressing his arms, chest, back, legs.

The Hunter relaxed at his boyfriend's touch, feeling the comfort he was offering. After some moments he sat on the bed only in his underwear, the knot over his stomach a lot better. Magnus brought his pijama pants and put them on him looking straight into his eyes.

"Wanna talk about it?" He asked softly when he was done. Alec tensed slightly, he was afraid to upset Magnus again. Looking down at his hands he shook his head.

The warlock stood in front of him and cradling his face into his palms, he kissed his forehead like he had done at his office. A long press of lips that made Alec's heart jump and feel completely protected. He wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and when his face pulled away, he tightened his hold, burying his face into Magnus's stomach.

"I need you," he said breathless. The warlock caressed his hair with both hands making him shiver.

"As I do, darling," he said reassuringly. "I'm right here, Alexander. I'm not going anywhere."

They stayed there for some moments until the elder told Alec to get to the bed. Magnus got ready with his magic and joined his boyfriend under the covers. Alec cuddled on him, burying his face into his neck while Magnus enveloped him with his strong, protective arms

They stayed like that for some hours, Alec drifted on and off asleep while Magnus comforted him. The felt the knots in his body easing, the pain inside his heart softening. He still felt a little angry and sad but the numbness was gone and he started to feel like it was finally possible to fix everything.

Alec woke up for who knew what time, feeling better and more rested than in the last days, Magnus was chatting with clients using his magic to keep the phone at eyes height and to type. He was still caressing the Hunter's body and hugging him as strong as he could.

"Magnus," he whispered with a hoarse voice because of the sleep, before kissing the caramel skin of his neck. The warlock pulled him closer and snapped his fingers to take away the cellphone.

"Yes, baby. What do you need?" He asked kissing Alec's head.

"Do you want to know what's going on?"

His boyfriend pulled away slightly to look at him. His cat eyes were at full display, looking at him with concern and love and comfort. Alec felt warm by that look alone.

"Do you want to tell me?" Magnus asked him gently, receiving a nod in response. "Then by all means, darling. I'm all ears."

With a sigh Alec talked. About the meetings, about his bad job, about his fellow Shadowhunters and how rude they were being but how he thought they were right. He told him about his father taking his rage out on him saying some very hurtful things and about the awful fight with his mother. He told Magnus about the stress and how his life didn't seem to realize he needed to stop and kept pushing him with more problems, and also how worthless and underserving he had been feeling lately. 

He finished by telling him about the beginning of the anxiety attacks and the shutting mechanism his body did.

"Alexander," Magnus said after he finished. His cat eyes were determined and pierced Alec with his gaze. "Please don't say you're unworthy; because you're the most gentle and amazing man that ever step this Earth and you deserve happiness more than anyone. You do an amazing job at The Institute, so much that you received those congratulations from The Clave. Despite what's been going on, I know those Shadowhunters look up to you and feel a deep admiration and care for their leader. I can see it every time Underhill looks at you. You're not like the tyrants that used to rule that place, you listen to people, you look at us Downworders as you equals and you are always a mediator in conflict. So please don't say that you're bad, because you're amazing and I love the passion and discipline you always put at you job."

When Magnus stopped he was breathless, the amount of emotion in those words made Alec's heart beat faster and actually believe him. But his insecurities were still clawing at him, so he looked away. The warlock pulled his face back.

"Please," he said determined. "You need to believe it's true... Say that you believe me."

"I..." Alec stammered. "I actually do. But- but it's just that right now I feel so insecure and out of myself that I can't help but question... But you're amazing, and I don't know what I did to deserve you but I- I love you so much and you have no idea how much this helps me."

Magnus kissed his head again, then his cheeks, his wet eyelids, his nose.

"Accepting they are negative thoughts instead of the truth is a start, darling," he said after. "And I love you too and I'll always be here for you."

He made a pause as Alec took the words in, before he continued.

"As for your father, that man doesn't deserve the kids he's got, so he doesn't deserve your attention. And about your mother, I know how hard you both been trying to fix your relationship, don't let that go to waste. I know both of you are under a lot of stress, so, just talk to her and fix things, darling."

Alec nodded and cuddle closer to Magnus again.

"Thank you," the said in a strained voice. "I love you."

"You're more than welcome, and I love you too, with all my heart. Now let's go to sleep, have you eaten today?"

The Hunter's heart jumped at Magnus caring for the little things. He nodded.

"I feel a little sick, actually. I've been eating bad food and sweets to take the anxiety away," he said shamefully. Magnus kissed his hairline.

"Darling, that's not good. Let's sleep and you take tomorrow so I can take care of you and give you proper food. And before you say you can't, Underhill and your siblings are perfectly capable of handling the Institute."

Alec nodded again and let Magnus resume his caresses on his body. He felt lighter and like he could believe Magnus's words. He was amazed by the power the love of his boyfriend held on him; how he managed to take him away of the darkness with just a touch.

With that thought in mind, he drifted off to sleep in the most comforting embrace he knew.

**Author's Note:**

> It's also a lot longer but I was feeling love for Undehill and I wanted to prove the fact that you had to go on with your life despite the mess, but also, sometimes you need to stop. Sorry for the long note.


End file.
